In 365 days, I have moved 2,335 miles away from home, lived
in 6 different houses/apartments, and spent 196 of those days in treatment. Needless
to say, I’ve made a lot of changes in
365 days. And it all started with the
decision to choose life.
June 3, 2015—exactly a year ago—I embarked on a journey to
start living again. At the time, I had no idea what that entailed, but a timid
little knock on the door was my first step in choosing life.
Looking back on this year, I see so much I have gained. The
most important thing that has aided me in choosing life day in and day out has
been using my voice. I’ve learned to
speak up for myself, and it has made me more courageous than I ever thought
possible. I have been able to voice my needs and feelings in friendships, at
work, and with family where a year ago I would have turn inwards, beaten myself
up, and taken it out on my food. I have learned that I only have one life, and
I am the one who lives it; therefore, it is my responsibility, right, and
privilege to make sure the things in my life are congruent with the way I want to
live. By using my voice, I align my
actions with my commitment to choose the life I want for myself.
In addition to using my voice to meet my own needs, I have
taken a brave step to use my story as a source
of advocacy. A year ago you couldn’t pay me a million bucks to tell my
friends and family how sick I was. I was too scared and ashamed to speak the
truth. Now, 365 days later, I am an open book, willing to share what I have done this
year. I couldn’t be prouder of my recovery and the hard steps I have taken (and
will continue to take) in order to be recovered.
With every blog post, part of me is filled with fear because
I am allowing myself to be vulnerable to the world. But a bigger part of me is empowered. Empowered that I can use my
story to make a difference in other’s lives. Empowered that I can advocate for
recovery from an illness that goes unseen by most of the world. Empowered that
I can speak truth to my peers when they struggle. Empowered that I, in spite of
my hardships and brokenness, can be a light in this world.
And the responses I have received in return truly touch my
heart. My eyes fill with tears of gratitude when I receive responses of encouraging affirmations, ways you can
relate, and questions on how to get help. Taking
a risk, although terrifying, is beyond rewarding. The incredible experiences
I have gained by being vulnerable outweigh the lure of my eating
disorder.
So much has changed in 365 days. Yet sometimes I feel like
I’m still that withering girl waiting at the front step. In those moments, I
thank that girl for taking the first step through the doors of Vista, and for
choosing life. And, in honor of that brave soul, I will continue to choose
life.
