For the first time in over a year, I am back in school. I
still bleed green and gold, but I am finding a new home at Loyola Marymount. This
time around, I am committing to doing things differently—to lean on love not
perfection.
As soon I enter the classroom, I can hear the perfectionism
gears start to churn. “my notes must be error-free, my answers must always be
right, I cannot mess up.” But that thinking is the old me. The environment
brings out my perfectionistic tendencies, but now I am able to fight back. I
remind myself that perfection is simply a façade—a way for me to feel in
control when really I am scared of the uncertainty. It’s easier for me to hit
the books and stress out over my performance instead of addressing the
underlying fears. So rather than share about my “challenging coursework”, I
choose to open up about the real
things that are hard about being back in school.
It’s lonely. I only know a handful of students, and some
days I feel invisible. As a commuter student working 2 jobs, it is hard to
devote time to meeting people at school. But I know it is highly important
because my eating disorder thrives in loneliness. Loneliness turns into
unworthiness which either leads to a) unhealthy behaviors that give me a sense
of accomplishment or b) destructive behaviors that result in punishment for
being not good enough. Siding with my healthy self instead of my eating
disorder self means combating loneliness with love. Self-love through
acknowledging my accomplishments and participating in self-care. Love from my
Savior who accepts me with all my faults. Love from my amazing friends who listen
and laugh with me. And love from new friends I’ll make as I become more
involved at LMU. These relationships are what remind me that I am enough just
as I am and that I don’t deserve to be nasty to myself.
It’s scary. Starting back at school, which was a huge
component of my eating disorder, makes me fearful that I am going to get sick
again. I’m scared that I’m going to set unattainable expectations and place unnecessary
pressure on myself. Will the demands of school lead me back into my depression?
Will I turn to my eating disorder to cope with the stress of schoolwork? Am I
capable of doing this? The great thing about recovering in a community is that
I have too many people that care about me to let me fall back into the traps of
my eating disorder. I don’t need to future trip because I know I have support
that will keep me healthy. All I need to do is be honest, letting those around
me help when I am struggling. I am capable of this!
The Jackson Five got it right—college might not be as easy as
ABC, but love is, and that is what I need in order to do school differently.
