They say in order to feel the good,
you have to be willing to feel the bad. Living in recovery, I’ve experienced
the full range of emotions. From total serenity when watching Harry Potter on a
night in to complete sadness when friends move away. From blissful excitement
at Disneyland to overwhelming stress from schoolwork. Even during the times
when I’ve wanted to numb out the hard emotions or punish myself because I hear
the nagging voice telling me I do not deserve happiness, I’ve let myself feel. I’ve
discovered that riding the wave of emotion is loads more freeing then bottling
them up and anxiously praying the flood gates don’t break.
Lately, I’ve been facing a whole
new emotion: grief. While no one is “ready” to grieve, the past two years of
feeling emotions had led to me to cope with this emotion in a healthy way.
In the past
few months, three people in my life have passed away. The pain that accompanies
death—especially unexpected and tragic death—is too much to bear alone. My
first inclination is to isolate, shut down, and sleep. But instead, I’ve
reached out for support. I have wept with my friends and family who are going
through the grieving process too. Leaning on each other, we share each other’s
pain. I have been vulnerable with my close friends who are not presently
grieving, but who can come along side me to comfort me and take care of me. Not
to discount the excruciating pain, but by grieving with people, the anguish is no
longer too much to bear. There’s a unifying factor, a uniting sense of love,
when I allow myself to rely on others for the strength to heal.
While each
day is a rollercoaster of emotions as I grieve, I choose to ride it. I let the
sadness hit me in the middle of class. I allow myself to rest when I planned on
exercising because grieving is exhausting. And I continue to eat even when I
lose my appetite, because I know that living in recovery is the only way to
love and to allow others to love me through this grieving process.
In loving memory of Bianca Red Arrow, Fisher Hartmann, and Coach Ronnie
1 Corinthians 13
