Hooked on Phonics

When I was little, I hated reading. And as I’ve previously mentioned, I am stubborn, so getting me to read was quite the battle. I remember squirming on the couch while my mom made me read “Sit in your seat, Pete. Eat your meat, Pete.” For some reason those sentences stuck with my family—probably because I was putting up such a fuss while my mom was doing her best to get me to read a stupid book about Pete and his meat.

The truth is I didn't like reading because I wasn’t very good at it. Fearing that I would make a mistake, I chose to memorize books instead of sounding out the syllables. During class, I would go to the bathroom when it was my turn to read out loud because I didn’t want to read a word I didn’t know or pronounce it funny (I also couldn’t pronounce my R’s still I was 13 lolz). I was scared to make a mistake, so I’d rather not try. Ah…perfection at it’s finest and at such a young age. 

Growing up I told myself that I wasn’t good at reading or writing. I stuck to math flashcards, building cell models, and memorizing the bones of the body. Because “I’m not good at reading” became my inner dialogue I never picked up a book for fun, never wrote outside of school essays, never read out loud if I could help it. 

Things changed when I went into treatment. I was required to journal. I started challenging my inner dialogue—about what I thought of myself, about my likes and dislikes, about what I’d decided I was good at and not. Through this process, I was willing to entertain the idea of reading and writing. And over time, I began to realize not only am I good at it, I actually enjoy it. 

Journaling has become an avenue for expressing my emotions when I’ve been too closed off to speak about them. Blogging and writing in general have become places of empowerment for me. By jotting down my thoughts I can connect to my true self and fight my eating disorder and critical voice with love, compassion, and truth.

Along with writing, reading is so important in my recovery process. I can’t tell you how many times Harry Potter has saved me from using behaviors. I’ve learned that instead of numbing out through destructive behaviors, I can turn to a good story of wizards and muggles, good and evil, and love and friendship. Reading is a vital coping skill for me because it allows space for me to settle down and return to the problem with a clearer mind and healthier thoughts. 

Without allowing myself to question what could be helpful in a nonjudgmental way, I never would have discovered the joy I get from reading and writing. Im so thankful for treatment where I felt safe enough to find these little things I like and uncover the deeper attributes that make me, me!

So now not only do I call myself a math nerd, I also call myself a reader/writer. And that’s a big deal for me.

PS: HMU with any good book suggestions because I just finished Harry Potter, and I’m on the lookout for the next good read!