It's a bird...It's a plane...It's Superman!

Sometimes I like to think I have superpowers. That I can work two jobs, go to school full time, be super involved in my sorority, go to PT twice a week, and oh yeah do that little thing called recovery too. I think this hectic schedule should be easy to manage. But the reality is, I am only human, and I run myself into the ground trying to keep up with this jam-packed lifestyle.

Why do I do it? Why do I take on more than I can bear? Even that question is hard for me to consider because I don’t like to admit I have a cap on what I can handle. However, I have had to face this issue because a lot of my eating disorder lives in the need to always be productive. I’ve come to realize it stems from a place of acceptance and worth, or lack thereof. I’m scared I won’t be seen as “good enough” if I don’t do 101 things. But deeper than fearing other people not accepting me, I’m scared that I won’t be able to accept myself. When I keep myself busy, I don’t have to grapple with the questions of worthiness. I’m scared if I stop the train, the self-hate will be too much for me to tolerate. So it seems easier to equate my worth with productivity and ignore the real issue of feeling undeserving and worthless.

The chaos quiets my inner critic for the moment; but in the greater scheme of things, it just makes the voice that screams “I am a failure” even louder. Inevitably, when I over commit, I have to let go of some things I love. And quitting something, makes me feel like a disappointment.

So what can I do to not feel like I have failed? This go around, I am stopping the cycle before it spins out of control. I am proactively taking time away from my job because I’ve started to notice my eating disorder popping back in. If I continue to let my recovery rest on the back burner, I will most definitely lose things I love and value. My recovery has to come first because I have to be healthy in order to enjoy my other commitments.

And by prioritizing my health, I have the space to truly address the feelings of failure that arise when I face the reality that I do have limits. I am realizing that I am strong enough to combat my inner critic, that I do have the tools I need to manage my emotions. Adding balance to my life and accepting my humanness allows me to be present in my life, instead of running around like a chicken with its head cut off.  

Kids. Kiddos. Chillins. Squirts. Youngsters.

Most people my age go crazy whenever they see a puppy. It takes everything in them not to scoop up the fuzz ball and take it home with them. Me, not so much. The dogs don’t get me—but little babies, they sure do!!

Recently I’ve switched jobs, and now I am coaching gymnastics. Technically I am supposed to be teaching them; but honestly, these little humans are teaching me lots. I could go on for days about the lessons they remind me of, but for times sake I’ve opted to share the top four:

1.     Be Proud of Yourself

      When my little gymnast finally nails her cartwheel on the beam, she can’t wait to ring the bell and tell the whole gym how amazing she is. However, as adults we tend to minimize our accomplishments and tell ourselves the achievements aren’t good enough to be proud of. Instead if we respond like kids and own our victories, think of how much more confidence we would have in our daily lives.

2.     Cry

      Two of my little kiddos collided the other day. Boy, did they cry! And rightfully so. They were hurt and scared and weren’t afraid to show it. So often we are told to “conceal, don’t feel, don’t let them know” (I had to throw in a Frozen quote. We are talking about kids here!), and we end up burying our emotions deep inside. In recovery, I’ve learned that feeling the emotions and letting them pass is actually healthy. So go ahead and cry when it hurts.

3.     Love Unconditionally

      My gymnasts love me. They don’t care how much I weigh or what grades I make or how well I am adulting. Their unconditional love reminds me of how God loves me, not because I have done anything to deserve it, but just because I am me. We could all take a lesson from kids right here—to love ourselves for who we are and to love others with overflowing compassion and grace.

     

4.     Speak Your Mind

      These lil’ squirts have no filter. They will tell you that you are “the most beautiful” (thanks Roma <3). They will also tell you when something isn’t fair or if you are doing it all wrong. Kids are free to share their opinions and voice their truth. For too long I stayed silent in fear of speaking my truth. But I am learning to share what I think, speak up when I feel like I’ve been wronged, and tell others how lovely they truly are. This mindset is freeing, and we should take note from these wise little guys.

Yes, there are times when I want to scream because the 4 yr old will not listen for anything and the 2^nd graders won’t stop bickering and tattle taling. But all in all, I love them. I love them because of their innocence, of their kindness, of their ability to see beyond the surface. And if you ever need a pick-me-up, hit me up because I’ll have some pretty funny stories to tell and even better lessons to share from these krazy kiddos.