Tiggers and Pooh and Eeyore, Too.

I sometimes joke that my spirit animal is Eeyore. Although most people know me as an upbeat positive person, I easily get sucked into a negative headspace. Lately, societal issues (i.e. the stuff on the news) have been the main catalyst that sparks this internal dialogue about the fate of humanity and my role in it. Everywhere I look there is another heartbreaking headline. Another sexual assault allegation. Another school shooting. Another raid of illegal immigrants forced into deplorable living situations. And that’s just in the US.

Some of these stories hit close to home and bring up old feelings and memories; and while I can’t relate personally to others, I feel deep empathy and sorrow for the devastation these individuals and families must feel.

For me, the danger comes when I internalize these events. I become depressed, feeling as though there is no good in the world. I worry about where we are headed as a society. I become overwhelmed by the sheer volume of injustices occurring in society, ranging from the stigma around mental health to full-on genocide – each presenting deep systematic issues that cannot be solved by a flip of the switch. When I focus on all the bad in the world, I quickly lose hope that there is any good and feel powerless. I sink into that Eeyore state of mind.

Just like Eeyore needs Pooh and Tigger around to balance him out, at times like this, I need people who point to the positive change occurring in the world. Some of my Tiggers and Poohs I know personally. Maddie, who courageously stood up and told her story of freedom from her eating disorder at a NEDA walk. My family, who came together to support my aunt and uncle with the birth of their new baby. Hayley, who worked as a camp counselor for fostered youth.

A lot of my Tiggers and Poohs inspire me from a distance. Aly Raisman and fellow survivors who boldly shared their survivor stories to stop Larry Nassar from abusing future gymnastics and invoking real change in the gymnastics community. Gloria Allred and Ruth Bader Ginsburg who fight for women’s equality in the political world. J.K. Rowling who chased her dream despite multiple setbacks. And the list goes on…

These people not only remind me that good is happening on a larger scale, they also encourage me to find the joys in my daily life and hold them close. I’ve come to know that the more I embrace the good, the more I will feel empowered to do good and combat the evil in the world. The truth is I can’t right all the wrongs, but I can and do make a difference.

I model what it looks like to listen to your body and eat intuitively when I babysit. I further the conversation regarding the truth about eating disorders and recovery through my work with Project Heal. I listen to my friends, provide support, and offer advice. I hear different perspectives discussed in class and learn how to be an effective therapist for my future clients. These positives don’t take the horrors of the world away, but who knows? Maybe by finding the joys in my journey, I can be the Tigger or Pooh for someone else who is feeling like an Eeyore.

International Women's Day Post.

Dear Beautiful Genevieve,

From the moment I heard your mom was pregnant, I loved you. When you were born I loved you even more. And when I held you in my arms, my love for you grew even deeper. I want you to know that you are always loved. You are loved just because you exist. No achievement, failure, beauty, scar—no nothing – will ever change my love for you. I hope you never go a day without knowing how deeply you are loved.

You are beautiful. I wait with anticipation for every picture and video your mom sends me. You are gorgeous and never let someone convince you otherwise. Beyond your external beauty, you have a beautiful soul. I see it in your mischievous grin. I see it in how to care for Pickles. I see it in your creative spark and your adventurous spirit. These qualities will grow with you. Hold them close.

There will be days when you don’t feel beautiful, but know in your heart, deeper than that fleeting feeling, that you are in fact beautiful. There will be people who won’t see your beauty. Don’t listen to their hurtful words. Come back to your core and to the people who will always love you to reconnect to the beauty you will always have.  

As you grow up, I want to remind you that life is a journey. You have the power to choose your path. You will make mistakes. They are not bad—you will learn so much about yourself from these mistakes. What you like and what you don’t like, what you value and what you don’t value, what you want to pursue and what you don’t want to pursue. Embrace the imperfection of life. It seems scary I know, but resting in the imperfection bring abounding peace.

It’s tough growing up in today’s society. Women are pressured to look, act, dress, present themselves in a certain light. The world wants to tell you that you are only worthy if you have a certain body and appear perfect. This portrayal is a façade. Take it from me who has experienced this firsthand—that life is miserable. Being your authentic self is the only true way to experience joy in life. Striving for that toner body or that perfect 100% or that ideal guy causes such destruction. Instead, I encourage you to pursue your dreams and not let any person, ideal, or standard stop you from loving the life you live!

I want to leave you with one last piece of wisdom: show compassion to others and especially yourself! In each moment know you are doing the best you can and allow that grace to flow throughout your soul. Be kind to your body as it is the vessel that connects your inner being to the world around you. Have faith that your hard work leads to something miraculous.

You inspire me to be fearlessly authentic every day. You motivate me to want to be recovered so that I can be a positive example of a young empowered woman for you. Thank you for being your absolutely precious self. You have more impact on the world than you can possibly know.

My deepest love,

Margaret Hartmann

The Past. The Present. The Future.

When I left eating disorder treatment, I knew I wanted to be a therapist. At first, I was ashamed to share this desire with anyone. Even though I knew the journey to become a surgeon (my original plan) was no longer in line with the balanced life in which I am committed to live, part of me was scared to let go because I had attached so much of my worth to that goal. Another part of me feared judgement. I viewed becoming a therapist as cliché, and I worried that people would think that I merely want to be a therapist for my own personal gain – to figure out my own issues or to deny my own struggles by focusing on other people. However, as a gained self-confidence and let go of what other people think, I began embracing my story and my desire to become a therapist.

Currently I am applying to social work and clinical psychology (MFT) graduate programs. Writing my personal statements has encouraged me to reflect on the past, evaluate the present, and plan for the future. I want to share short excerpts of my personal statement with you because I believe it fully integrates how the past and present come together to influence my decision to become a therapist. Enjoy!

From the time I could talk, I always said I was going to be a doctor, a pediatric surgeon to be precise. At Baylor, I dove head first into intense pre-medical coursework and quickly got involved in every campus organization and volunteer opportunity I could get my hands on to appear the best candidate for medical school. From the outside looking in, I was the ideal candidate. I maintained straight A’s, held leadership positions in campus clubs, volunteered at a local hospital, and actively participated in my sorority. It seemed like I had it all together. However, on the inside, I was miserable. The pressure to present as perfect to the world morphed into an eating disorder that was literally killing me. Before I knew it, I had abandoned everything I value for a secret life riddled with lies stemming from the shame that I could not meet the absurdly high expectations I set for myself.

Coming to the realization that this lifestyle was unfulfilling, not to mention unsustainable, I decided to take a leap of faith and admitted myself to eating disorder treatment. As I began forming my new identity as a woman of integrity, strength, and compassion, I came to realize that I want to be a therapist and a source of hope for women struggling to fight the prejudices that stand against them.

… As a future therapist, I seek to advocate for and promote social justice. More specifically, I want to spark change in the way society views and treats women, and I believe that change starts with how women view and treat themselves. Years ago, I entered into an abusive relationship. It was during that toxic relationship that I first internalized the voice that told me I was worthless and should be ashamed of being a woman. For years, I remained silent because I believed I deserved the pain he caused me. Being an abuse survivor, it is my hope that I can partner with teens and young women who feel similar shame around their bodies and gender identity in order to help them discover their true worth in the world.

… I am passionate about working with teens because it is a such critical time for making important life decisions and identity formation. Adults often discredit teenage girl’s thoughts, feelings, and struggles. I aspire to advocate for young women’s wishes and needs, believing in them so they can believe in themselves. When I was experiencing so much pain because of my abusive relationship, I wish I had felt comfortable enough to confide in someone who would have advocated for my needs. I hope to be that person for young women in the future.

… Taking pride in my story instead of hiding in the disgrace of my so-called “failures”, I now live with dignity and integrity. I respect the progress I have made and hold space for the challenges I have yet to conquer, allowing for future growth. As a therapist, I will treat my clients with the same dignity and respect to inspire them to overcome the obstacles that stand in the path of realizing their dreams and aspirations.  

I am so excited to take the next step in my journey to become a therapist, and I can’t wait until my dreams become my reality!