Compassion.

Recovery is messy. It is a process. It is not linear. There is no set timeline. Recovery. Is. Messy.

In my eating disorder recovery, I have good days and bad days. Moments when I choose recovery and moments when I simply don’t. Meals that I challenge my eating disorder voice and meals when I listen to the lies spinning in my head.

The most important thing I am learning in my recovery is to show myself compassion. Dr. Kristin Neff explains self compassion by saying, "Instead of mercilessly judging and criticizing yourself for various inadequacies or shortcomings, self-compassion means you are kind and understand when confronted with personal failings." Instead of judging myself for slipping or overwhelming my soul with shame, I choose compassion.

Compassion leaves room for growth. It gives space to understand how to do better next time. Without compassion, I am left in despair after each inevitable shortcoming. Such despair adds fuel to my eating disorder as it thrives off the lies that I am a failure, that I am not deserving, that I should be punished. However with compassion, I am able to continue moving forward.

I am able to forgive myself because I know my Savior has already forgiven me. Out of His unconditional love, God does not hold onto my mistakes. He sees me as so worthy that He sent His Son to die for me. It is through this love that I am able to show compassion to myself. In no way is this compassion validating my eating disorder behaviors, but rather it allows me to acknowledge my imperfections and remember that I need a Savior. So when I leave off a piece of my dinner or I exercise out of my plan, I know I am still loved. This self compassion that stems from God’s love motivates me to fight, to do the harder thing, to choose a recovered life. Although it is messy, compassion makes it possible.

Just Being.

I'm so thankful for mornings like this! Today, sitting at Starbucks with a coffee and a journal is my idea of the perfect Sunday morning. But for a long time, this was not the case. In my eating disorder, I did not allow myself to sit, to be "unproductive", even for a moment. My eating disorder was not just about what I ate or how much I weighed. No, it was so much more. It was a way cope with feelings of shame, unworthiness, failure, and hopelessness.

    Having a break in the day meant feeling these emotions, emotions that were simply too much for me to bear. So instead, I kept busy. My life was a juggling act gone wrong.  At the time, I wasn't even aware of why I couldn't just "be". I thought I was doing the college thing right. Finding the perfect balance. Being the well rounded student. I made straight A's, became an avid crossfitter, joined a sorority, lead a campus ministry. So why was I still so miserable and depressed? From the outside, it seemed as if I had it all together, but on the inside I was completely unraveled.

    As I continue in my recovery, I realize that no workout, no organization, no major, no job can fill the emptiness I felt so deeply, and still feel on occasion today. I must constantly remind myself that it is only through God's unconditional love that I can begin to acknowledge the past, embrace the present, and hope for the future. So as I sit here fully present in this moment, I thank God for my journey and the ability to relax on a Sunday morning, not because of anything I have done, but solely because of His loving grace. With His peace that passes all understanding can I finally be with myself. Without doing. Just Being.

Eater's Agreement

As a deserving human on this earth, I choose to eat for freedom, for relationships, for compassion, and for joy. However, I cannot live in this light while clinging to aspects of my eating disorder. I must surrender my all to recovery. Therefore, I, Margaret Hartmann, agree to eat my food and keep it. I agree to be an eater. Not only will I eat my meal plan, I agree to refrain from purging my food and abusing exercise. I know the road ahead is long and windy, yet I agree to find the joys in my journey, continuing to move forward no matter the challenge.

I agree to live each day fully in the present. I will not let the pain of my past cover me with the shame and fear I’ve known for too long. I choose to use my voice when I am frightened as I way to express my true feelings and bring truth to the situation. Paralyzing fear will no longer keep me from enjoying nights on the town or fun get togethers. As I live in the present moment, I will not let my eating disorder self gain fuel from past shame.

Additionally, I agree to respect my body. It is a temple for my soul, the home that connects my true self to the world around me. Because it is uniquely mine, comparison will no longer rob me of joy. I need this physical body to live; and therefore, I will treat it with the most tender care. Although I may not like the body I am in, I will continue nourishing it because it provides me with the gift of life. I will strive daily to choose what I am craving whether that be a rich brownie, a salty bag of chips, a crisp salad, or a silky bowl of ice cream. I choose to refrain from letting my perception of my body influence my food.

I know I will make mistakes. I will fall, and I will slip. However, I also know that I will get back up. I will learn from my mistakes. I will fight even stronger. I will do the harder thing. My fiery spirit will not give up. Each day, I agree to honor my needs, emotions, and body. Reaching out when the battle is tough and telling the truth will be my saving graces. Furthermore, I proclaim to take pride in my authentic self without judgment, knowing that I am doing my best each and every day.