Just Being.

I'm so thankful for mornings like this! Today, sitting at Starbucks with a coffee and a journal is my idea of the perfect Sunday morning. But for a long time, this was not the case. In my eating disorder, I did not allow myself to sit, to be "unproductive", even for a moment. My eating disorder was not just about what I ate or how much I weighed. No, it was so much more. It was a way cope with feelings of shame, unworthiness, failure, and hopelessness.

    Having a break in the day meant feeling these emotions, emotions that were simply too much for me to bear. So instead, I kept busy. My life was a juggling act gone wrong.  At the time, I wasn't even aware of why I couldn't just "be". I thought I was doing the college thing right. Finding the perfect balance. Being the well rounded student. I made straight A's, became an avid crossfitter, joined a sorority, lead a campus ministry. So why was I still so miserable and depressed? From the outside, it seemed as if I had it all together, but on the inside I was completely unraveled.

    As I continue in my recovery, I realize that no workout, no organization, no major, no job can fill the emptiness I felt so deeply, and still feel on occasion today. I must constantly remind myself that it is only through God's unconditional love that I can begin to acknowledge the past, embrace the present, and hope for the future. So as I sit here fully present in this moment, I thank God for my journey and the ability to relax on a Sunday morning, not because of anything I have done, but solely because of His loving grace. With His peace that passes all understanding can I finally be with myself. Without doing. Just Being.