Compassion.

Recovery is messy. It is a process. It is not linear. There is no set timeline. Recovery. Is. Messy.

In my eating disorder recovery, I have good days and bad days. Moments when I choose recovery and moments when I simply don’t. Meals that I challenge my eating disorder voice and meals when I listen to the lies spinning in my head.

The most important thing I am learning in my recovery is to show myself compassion. Dr. Kristin Neff explains self compassion by saying, "Instead of mercilessly judging and criticizing yourself for various inadequacies or shortcomings, self-compassion means you are kind and understand when confronted with personal failings." Instead of judging myself for slipping or overwhelming my soul with shame, I choose compassion.

Compassion leaves room for growth. It gives space to understand how to do better next time. Without compassion, I am left in despair after each inevitable shortcoming. Such despair adds fuel to my eating disorder as it thrives off the lies that I am a failure, that I am not deserving, that I should be punished. However with compassion, I am able to continue moving forward.

I am able to forgive myself because I know my Savior has already forgiven me. Out of His unconditional love, God does not hold onto my mistakes. He sees me as so worthy that He sent His Son to die for me. It is through this love that I am able to show compassion to myself. In no way is this compassion validating my eating disorder behaviors, but rather it allows me to acknowledge my imperfections and remember that I need a Savior. So when I leave off a piece of my dinner or I exercise out of my plan, I know I am still loved. This self compassion that stems from God’s love motivates me to fight, to do the harder thing, to choose a recovered life. Although it is messy, compassion makes it possible.