Surrender.

I am stubborn. I have been my whole life. When I was little my mom used to pray that I would make good decisions because whatever I decided, there would be no way of talking me out of it. When I started gymnastics I spent every free moment practicing my back handspring. Even after landing on the top of my head time after time, I would not give up. My mind was set on getting the skill, and nothing could hold me back.

My eating disorder self took full advantage of my obstinate character. I was determined to lose “x” amount of pounds. I was fixated on every calorie that went into my body and on every calorie that I burned off. For quite some time, my eating disorder was what I wanted, and no one could make me stop.

Even in my recovery, my stubbornness has come into play. I’ve been hardheaded and feisty, determined to get my way when I thought something was unfair. Most recently, my pertinacity has gotten me stuck in a rut. It has prevented me from moving forward because my goal has been to lose the “excess” weight. Just like when I was little girl, my heart was set on the goal, and that was that. No questions asked.

However, in my recovery, I am learning what is means to surrender. To stop resisting my meal plan, my treatment team, my recovery. To be humbled and realize my way isn’t working. To hand over the reins to those more knowledgeable. In surrendering, I open the doors to receive love and support. I acknowledge that I can’t do it on my own, and I need a Savior. Surrender leaves space to accept God’s precious gift of grace that comes from the death and resurrection of his Son.  

I am learning how to use my stubbornness for restoration instead of destruction. With my mind set on surrendering to the process, I can know that my fortitude cannot be shattered. Relying on Christ’s true strength instead of the façade of power from my stubbornness, I can recover. My heart is set on recovering through the power of God, and that is exactly what I am going to do.

Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; 

in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.

                                                                                                Proverbs 3:5-6